Throughout the Anxiety project, I have used it to really connect with the people who follow my work with the intention to show others that it's okay to express how we feel. This was mainly done through Instagram or Twitter and even Snapchat, I wanted to be fully transparent to show where either my mindset is or how my mental health is improving/getting worse. I didn't want to hold anything back if I did that would lose all purpose of this project.
I have faced a lot during my life, but more so within the past few weeks and that's anxiety. For me, anxiety has always been a mental thing, but recently it has had a physical impact on my life. I have always been an anxious person when performing in front of people in my class, even talking to people who I have known for most of my life. Weirdly that switched during the later periods of the first year of my degree. I am now extremely confident in the way I speak towards others in my class. This is where anxiety, has somewhat adapted due to the confidence in my work. A year ago, I hated showing others my work as I was unsure it would be liked. Now, I know in myself from self-acceptance, that I am great, that my work is great. I feel more confident that I ever have. Positive feedback is amazing, but I have learned that if you look for the acceptance from others, then you truly aren't happy or proud of things.
Anxiety still affects me in a social way, I hate going outside. Unless I have class or feel forced to do something. Anxiety has flipped and now can happen at the most random of times, for example, I can be on the bus feeling perfectly fine. Suddenly, I just start panicking over the smallest of things, analysing everything about the situation I am currently in. My heart will suddenly start beating ten times faster and feel that I could break down and cry right there and then. The strange part of this, that I will be feeling perfectly fine and it will start out of nowhere.
Something I have also been struggling with is the constant feeling of depersonalisation, the sensation of being disconnected from one's body, emotions or surroundings. Throughout this entire experience I have found that when I'm designing or listening to music all that goes away. I'll still be feeling weird but it's strange this past year was the best year of my life for multiple reasons beyond my work. I have so many great memories with so many amazing people and a lot of those were new for me at the time. There's something just not right and I can't explain it or find out the cause of it. I haven't posted much about this feeling outside of my Snapchat, but I have always tried to use my platform to create a better place. I figured I need to start being truly transparent with the people who support my work on the daily. I've been through a lot during my life with ADHD and Bullying, everything I have overcame or somewhat fixed but this period of my life is one of the scariest times I have ever been through. A couple weeks ago I had my first panic attack surrounded by my friends, then these past few days have been nothing but a struggle. On Christmas Eve, I couldn't sit with my family, I felt like I was about to freeze everytime I was spoken too and felt so on edge constantly. I'm trying my best to get a balance between work and life, get on top of my physical health and most importantly my mental health. I'm going through regular therapy sessions to discuss everything on my mind, I'm also surrounded by a handful of people who truly give a sh*t and know what I'm going through and can't thank them enough, I truly can't. I'm blessed to be where I am in life and don't take that for granted. I'm blessed to be alive, I've worked the hardest I ever have but I'm scared for the first time in my life, I can't create a solution or an answer to something. I feel like I just got to keep going regardless of all this, feeling uncertain about things or feeling uncomfortable when walking around my own home.
This month has been one of the best in my life, a rather emotional one at that. I can't express how blessed I am to be both alive and where I am today. Everything, I've learned and earned, I know I deserve. From the bottom of my heart, I know that I used to spend all my time thinking about what others though. People used to tell me I wouldn't do anything with my life. Since 2014, I've worked daily towards a goal that seemed impossible mentally at one point. The last six months, I've grown so much in both confidence and experience, all through constant perseverance.
I'm the same person I've always been, I just never had the guts to be that person. I always looked for approval from others, once I took that of the equation. I started to learn the most important thing that makes me who I am. That being I couldn't care less what people think, I know I'm great, I know I'm good and I'll never change for anybody. Fun fact, you shouldn't either.
5 months ago, I started a project that has quite frankly changed my life, made me a much better person, designer and put me in the best position I've ever been in. I started in late October and wanted to give in on it and just focus on other projects, mainly as my mind was in other places. After I went to the Logic concert, that all changed. Since then I have had this constant buzz that has some what motivated me from the moment I wake up to I fall asleep. I'm glad I never gave up, the person I am today, I'm basically fearless, I used to always look for approval in everything, from my work, to my appearance. Yeah I still have the odd panic attack here and there, the feeling of depersonalisation is one that I'm slowly getting used too. I started to replace "wanna" with "gonna" and every moment or chance I get I do it without giving myself the chance to doubt myself. For the first tome in my life my heart and mind is in the right place and I've used everything I was going through to push myself to the highest limits I've ever done.